Where ever you are

"Where ever you are, be all there." -Jim Elliot

I like to go places and see sites. I like to travel, though i haven't had much experience in it. But what i've done I enjoy. I have no problem being there, because i want to be there. The problem is when I come to a place that I no longer want to be. I don't want to be there, so I drift away in my mind. I leave with my emotions, efforts and abilities. I am no longer a help to the place i'm in. I don't enjoy it when I see other leave, or "check out" of the places they are in, especially when they are in the same community that I am in, because it effects me. The real problem is that this is what I am struggling with at the moment. I am not all here.

The second problem might be worse, I don't know where I am. There is no other place i'd rather be.

Coffee Shop

I'm currently sitting at The Grind, a medium size coffee shop in Oakhurst, writing a paper on my concept of human nature. (I threw in the topic of what I was writing because I thought it would make me seem more "cool" or intellectually "deep") I look up and decided to take a break by looking at the people around me. I promise that I am not a creeper, but enjoy the occasional time for people watching. I look to my right, there is a girl, who looks like she is in her upper high school years, sitting with her Mac in front of her and head phones in her ears. To the right of her, a girl wearing an APU hoodie reading a book while her Mac is open in front of her and headphone in her ears. To my left there is a Japanese girl, working on her Mac with headphones in her ears. The one man sitting closest to me with a PC (YAY!, finally, im not the only one who made the smart decision in here!) on the table in front of him with Galileo's Discoveries and Opinions lying next to the computer, also has headphones in his ears. I look at myself sitting with my computer open writing my paper with a stack of books by my side and headphones in my ears. I look at everyone again, and I begin to think what if we did not have these headphones. Would we engage in conversation with one another? What if i'm missing an opportunity to gain a valuable friend? What if right now, I am botching an opportunity to get to know a girl near me that could eventually lead to a date in the future? (however unlikely) Have I allowed these opportunities to slip away from me simply because I would rather be listening to the music in my ears and not listen to the music already playing in the shop, and look to occupied to engage in conversation with the persons next to me? Would they talk to me if my headphones weren't in my ears? Am I truly missing out, or am I saving myself from distraction? Perhaps I'm just asking too many questions. I think I will take my headphones out and see what happens.

My Feet Are Strong

One night while camping, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I saw the words "My Feet Are Strong" craved into the wall of a bathroom in Yosemite Valley. I am not sure what they actually mean, but to me it was slightly inspiring. Inspiring might be taking it a little too far, one might be thinking, it is just writing on the walls. But for me, as I looked at it, I could not help to think about what I was going to be doing the next day. Summiting a peak at 8,000ish feet on a hike that would be a total of 17 miles. It would be a long day. I thought about the last summit I did, and the failure of it. Its not that I did not make it, its that I left my mind behind. I was mentally not strong enough and was in a sour mood the entire time. (Sour is a nice way to put it) My feet were strong enough to carry me to the top but my mind was lagging behind me, struggling to keep up. I think that is why we are "strong in the power of His might." Because our might can get us to the top, or in some cases, almost to the top, but we dont thrive when we make it. We seem to be falling apart gasping for air and rest at the top. But in His might, we continue on with and are able to thrive to our end goal/position, its not my power but his. My feet are strong, but can only do so much.

Celebrating Life

Today I was snowed in. I was unable to leave my campus unless i walked through the snow somewhere. Unfortunately, there are not many places within walking distance. So I stayed on campus. Today is Sunday, and I go to church on Sundays. So as you probably put together, I could not go to church. My RD decided to have our own little church service in one of our community rooms. after a few fun songs of praise, my RD gave a small sermon. It was the idea that we don't always seem to celebrate life. It was interesting because I began to think about that, and I would have to say that we do not always celebrate our lives. Jesus did. He was at so many parties that people began to ask him why he ate and drank so much! He was celebrating. He loved life. He rose two children from the dead that the may enjoy their lives. My RD talked about enjoying life, and that children seem to know how to celebrate life. Jesus said we are supposed to be child like when it comes to our faith, could that mean also that we should enjoy ourselves? After a short moment of speaking, my RD said that we are going to celebrate life today and go play like children in the snow. There were smiles on everyone's faces. In our play time we played together as a community and celebrated life together. It was one of the best church services I have ever been to. And deeply spiritual, whether some people realized it or not.

10 Commandments - Honoring the daddy and mommy

In some recent studies I have been going through the 10 commandments. I have been thinking about their significance, how they were received by the people, why they are separated from the rest of the commandments and laws that God gives to Moses. I've thought of whether there is a difference that they are called commandments rather than laws? (maybe that a law is something you can break and have consequences for such actions and a commandment is something that is simply done without question)So I have decided to further my studies and talk about what I have learned and found about these commandments.
Lets get the cliche`s out of the way first. The Ten Commandments were written on two stone tablets according Deuteronomy 5, but not in the way we probably think. It was most likely to be written out fully with all the explanations and rewards that came with certain commands. They were not written five on one tablet and 5 on the other split perfectly evenly. It is actually thought to possibly have been written on a stone tablet that is similar to a cylinder that one would roll over to continue reading; that is interesting.
For this post, I am going to skip a middle commandment and talk about the fifth commandment, Honoring the father and the mother. This commandment actually has reasoning behind it. "Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." (Deut. 5:16) God says to do it in order for you to have long days. That sounds pretty good, I know that some times there does not seem to be enough time in the day to get all I need to get done done. But what I want to go about is the idea of how people teach this commandment. Whenever people read this verse they always seem to relate it to children, that children need to respect their parents, do what they say without questioning, meaning to eat their vegetables and clean their rooms without complaining. But if one would take time to think about the situation of who the commandments were being told to, we might not think of this commandment as for children. When Moses was telling the children of Israel, he was speaking to the adults, not specifically the children. He was not speaking to the 18 and under group and say this one is for you from God, he just said it to everyone. Now what does this commandment mean to those who are living out of their house with families of their own? How are they supposed to Honor their fathers and mothers when they could be living across the state, country, or world? I think it means that there was a specific message that was going out to the people. A message of that was saying that parents are the ones that teach you what you know, they have the connection with God and lead you to that connection as well. I think also that Frederick Buechner has the idea when he says it does not even matter if you consider your parents to be "good," but to honor them because they gave you life when they did not have to. They might not deserve honor, or do anything honorable, but it commanded that we do so. If it is for nothing but an example for others that elders need to be honored, because their life paved a way for you to live. Or an example for the next generation or more specifically your children that they should treat you when reaching a older age with honor because that is what you showed them to do with your own parents. How do we honor? Well, to honor means to hold in high respect, to think highly of, to accept as valid and to confirm the request and demands of. That is a simple example of honoring, and not even I can say that I am completely honoring to any person really.
Honoring your father and mother has its benefits as the scripture clearly states being long days which are fulfilled in the land which God is giving you (I believe that the latter part "land God is giving you" is specific to the Israelites because he was moving them literally to land he was giving them, for modern people like ourselves, we can assume in our land, which is given by God anyways...). The thing is you have to honor first; you have to set the example of honoring for those around you, those under you and all you have never seen such honoring. God says to honor not for the benefit of the parents who receive the honor, but for those who give it. Maybe the father and mother are the ones who should be doing more honoring, so the children have an example.

What To Enjoy

I enjoy sitting reading a good book with some tea or coffee or sitting in the same room with a few of my good friends simply enjoying one another's company. I enjoy conversations that lead to deeper friendships or a change in a person's life or a challenge for my own life. I enjoy good food for dinner and playing an exciting game of Volley Pong after. I enjoy playing my guitar (named Ms. Abby) in my room, or lulling someone to sleep at night.
(I almost feel as though this introduction should be placed on a list of things I enjoy on eHarmony or another dating site...)
There are many things that I enjoy. I've been thinking lately about what I enjoy and do not enjoy. Its mostly the difference between work and play. I was reading about a man long ago who search in everything for joy. He wrote about his experiences, you can think of this as a sort of documentary about his endeavors or a memoir, I like to say he was blogging about his experiences before blogging even existed; the first blogger!. It is called Ecclesiastes if you are interested in reading it. The man's name was Solomon, (its pronounced Shlomo in the Hebrew language; slightly humorous) he was the king of the Israelites, who has been said to have more wisdom than any man before him and any that came after him. He inherited a kingdom at the peak of its existence from his father David. With his power as king, he sought to please himself. In his memoir, the two words that he write the most (or forms of it) are vanity and joy. I find it interesting that a man who is out seeking his own desires speaks so much vanity over what he did. There was much that he enjoyed, but it still was not completely pleasing. Sure he admits to enjoying a lot of it, but he still calls all of it vanity.
Despite all the vanity he did find good in his search for joy and pleasure. Solomon says over five times in his book, which for a book so short is like he is a train blowing his horn on and on again, a certain phrase that he considered good and enjoyable. "A man can do nothing better than eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This is a gift from God." This phrase is said over and over again accompanied with different ideas like: God allows those who please him to enjoy their toil, and those who do not please him are not allowed to enjoy it; God wants us to enjoy what we are doing so we do not worry about the future or complain about what may happen. Perhaps you are now finding this interesting too. Solomon, the wisest man ever to live, who spent his time seeking to please his desires, says there is nothing better to do than eat, drink and enjoy work? Do I enjoy my work? Maybe he meant that we should enjoy the fruit of our labor? (the PAYCHECK!) Either way it says that this joy we get is a gift from God...odd...because when God banished man from the Garden of Eden, he said he would be cursed by having to toil/work with the ground. Yet we are supposed to get joy out this curse? Somehow this curse has become a gift. I feel like this should be an idea from the New Testament, but its found in Ecclesiastes a book that may have been the first written in the Old Testament. It is sort of an odd concept though, that the gift from God is that we are able to find enjoyment in this curse. Maybe thats why its a gift? Maybe God knows that is exactly what we need in our lives, something that we enjoy. Work takes up most of our time, it doesn't seem like too bad of an idea to start enjoying it.

Cliche` Lines #1

This is a little series that I will be writing about on and off for a while. Tackling the sayings that we say so often to each other. I hope you enjoy it!

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I enjoy saying this to friends as we depart from one another for longer periods of time. It is a comforting feeling to think that even though we are leaving each other, the separation will somehow bring us closer. Yet so often, separation only separates. I would say it is more than half the time when a person leaves your life to go to another place for some reason, whether it be because of college, a job or relocating, That person is harder to keep in contact with. For different people, granted, communication is easy to keep with, but not always. I believe its the growth that happens in you and the one away from you that causes the divide. It is not that the person is no longer interested in being a friend, or being in your life, but they are living their own life. As we live our life we grow, and since we are apart, we grow apart, each experiences that do not cause us to hate each other but to gain interest that the other may not have, and to lose interest that we once shared. I believe that when you are away you do realize how much you think about them more, but growth (which is a good thing in every persons life, keeps them away. Absence does make the heart grow fonder of the person that left, but when they come back, they are not the same person.

Jealousy...

I must say that I have come to realize the power of jealousy. Not only through my experiences but through the experiences of others. There is so much to it than meets the eye. First jealousy can worsen if you allow it to stew inside you, especially when it comes to job opportunity and you are around the other person who was chosen over you often. A person may do their best to bury it and forget what happened and get along with the other person but there are factors that can bring it up again. Like when the appointed one rubs it in your face; or sometimes even worse, when the person does a sub-par job that you know without a doubt that you would have done better; or when you have to step up into their position and get a job done, and receive no gratitude, recognition or reward (not that those things are necessary, but they are given to the one with the title, not the one who did the work). Jealousy then leads to bitterness. Not matter how much you may actually like the other person, how good they are or what they do, it is difficult to be around them, to see them for who they are without harsh judgement. This is when it becomes deeply rooted inside and hurts your heart. Thats when the tears come. The wounds from bitterness are not easily removed and sting at any moment of their choosing. It hurts even more at the times when you know without a doubt that you not only deserved the opportunity, but would be doing a much better job and would have made things a lot better for everyone else if you were in there. Jealousy can cause you subconsciously to react in a negative fashion towards people. Jealousy is powerful, which is why God tells us in his commandments not to even desire anything of your neighbors. Anything at all. That is a difficult task, especially when it seems like God is being hypocritical on this topic. 11 times in the Bible it either call God jealous or He call Himself a jealous God. The one time it is mentioned in the New Testament tries to make it wholesome and says God is jealous with godly jealousy. This doesn't necessarily make sense as to why God says for us not to do something but does it himself. Seems like something a parent would do. Why does God have a double standard here? Why does God try to say that jealousy is ok? Why does God even get jealous? Wouldn't it seem that if we were jealous, we would be more like God who is too jealous? Am I trying to make my jealousy right, as God does, by asking these questions? I am not sure, but I have seen what jealousy has done to people and to myself at times and would agree with God that desiring something that another has is threatening to one's life. Maybe God learned that and decided to make a rule against it for our benefit, much like a parent would do.

Friends

I have friends. Not only does that confirm that I am not a lonely creeper who blogs every now and then, but it shows that I have a life and people enjoy being around me. I love my friends. I am on my way home from a weekend with my good friends that I am not able to see often because of my study abroad semester. Being with them this weekend lighten my heart and excited me for my return to them. I've known most of them for a little over a year, and I think the best part is seeing how much we have grown. There is much more maturity in our conversation; we, oddly, look older than before (maybe not myself I think, because I pretty much look the same.) Our concerns are of higher value, no longer caring as much for the things that occupied so much of our time but now focused on that which will improve ourselves and those around us. I sat down with a friend in her apartment. When I first met her, I thought she was immature and snobbish. (if you are reading this blog, sorry, it true but I still enjoyed being around you!) As we talked on her modern style black couch, I noticed she had grown. She was no longer the little girl that I first met, but closer to a adult woman. A different girl friend of mine, told me that we are mature adults and we should be acting a that way. I thought about that for a moment and say that though our age does qualify us as adults, I wouldn't say that we are in adulthood quite yet, but getting there. Back to my other friend on the couch, we talked about a few things had happened to her while I was gone, just simple life mostly. Though I knew about some of the matters, I got to hear what happened from the actual source. What I noticed in her words was her sense that she was learning from all that happened. She did not complain about her situation or gripe that she had to go through it all, but understood the situation and is using it to grow from it and even helping others who are going through the same type of issues. My friends are growing, like flowers in a garden. (forgive the corny analogy, but there is always truth in corniness.) I enjoy my friends, every moment i'm with them. Living life with the best people I can have around me; people that are learning, growing and loving, patient as we live life together. I love my friends.

Half Dome Thoughts (a.k.a. the longest hike and blog I've yet to do)

Half Dome in Yosemite National Park is s mystery. It is literally a dome that looks as if it was cut in half. Where is the other half? If half of it fell off in a rock slide how come there is not nearly enough rocks to create half of the dome where they should be? Why do so many people climb it when the view is not the greatest (not to be pessimistic but to be honest it is not the best view. Most of the time people are hiking to certain places to look at the valley and see the mountains around it. Half Dome is one of the views you are looking forward to see, especially at sunrise or sunset when it turns the most gorgeous colors one may ever see. But when you are on top of it, you can see it. Its just a high view of Yosemite Valley, which is nice but also can be seen from Sub Dome, just below Half Dome. The climb of Half Dome is done just for the glory of doing it [Kleos] and to allow time for thoughts to come about.)
While I climbed this dome, with a dear friend of mine named Sunshine (Yes that is her real name, not a nik name) I got a lot of thinking done. (once you begin to ascend this dome there is a 4,000 ft. of elevation gain, so any time there is an incline, there is not much talking that goes on.) It all came to me in spurts, often when ever we would hit something new that I have not encountered before. So, as I do my best to remember what I saw and what went on in my mind as I went on my endeavor, it is split into sections for convenience. (whether its mine or yours I'm unsure.)
The Drive:
Where I currently live is about an hour away from Yosemite Valley. iIf you have gone into Yosemite before, you would know that a large number of bumps and curves that make the drive a very uncomfortable for those who are sitting in the third row of a 11 passenger van. Because of the place I was I became car sick (or van stick?) and began to abhor the trip already. But despite that feeling of illness running through my body making me feel like throwing up at every turn, i was having a pretty good day.
The Walk to the Starting Point and the Talk that Came with it:
Where we parked was about a mile from the trail head of of Half dome. It was about 5 or 6 am and after eating breakfast we began our ascent. We were stopped before we actually started by a park ranger. She was a tall lady in a outfit that looked like what the "Man in the Yellow Hat" (from Curious George) would wear except it was tan instead of yellow. SHe gave us a warning about a Woman, who was an experienced hiker, that slipped while on her way down on the Sub Dome (which is just below Half Dome.) I was not sure exactly sure why she told us this. I believe there was more fear and question as to what we were doing there. But as i began to think about what the Woman in the Tan Hat was saying, I wonder what the woman was thinking as she had her accident. She slipped and fell, ending up breaking her hip bone, but is doing fine now (or at least thats what they told us...) But I imagine her thought process was something along the lines of, "I'm an experienced hiker, who has done thins hike and ones like it multiple times before, how can this happen to me here and now?" From the point where she fell it was 9 miles down the mountain. I am not exactly sure how they got ther down, but I want to say that she may have thought this could be here end. It may not have been a strong voice in her head telling her this, but it had to have been there. Half Dome is a place where many people hike up every day so it would be easy to help her out, but in tragic moments we tend to think about the what the worst possible thing that could happen to us. We imagine no one coming to our aid, though there are people all around. As I ponder this more, I used to do this often, and i wasn't even in situations that were life threatening. I would assume that no one would notice me in my time of need, that even though I was there for many people when i could be, there would not return the favor. I had this thought process for a while, until a friend woke me up and told me she cared for me and showed how she did. I was just blinded by my own self pity and victim mentality. That is something of the past now.
The Waterfall and the Walk of a Thousand Steps:
The walk was not too bad but I was not feeling well still from the drive up. Though i removed myself from the van, I was still light headed and craving to vomit. We came to a spot that we named "A Thousand Steps" simply because the steps seem to go on forever, if not that long then probably for eternity. but about half way through these steps there is a waterfall called Vernal Falls. it was absolutely lovely. It was great to see because it was close enough to feel the mist with the right breeze, and it was surrounded by another large rock so that the best way to see it is to climb these thousand steps. That moment of seeing that was a good one that i will remember for quite a while. This made me think about why that waterfall was there. I honestly cannot ggive a correct answer but I like to think that it was placed there for me. Selfish I know, but I like to think that. Why? Because I needed something to pick me up and to keep me going for this trip. The waterfall was it, it was a rejuvenation that granted me the ability to push through the crappiness i was feeling. In life I believe that God does that for us. He gives us something that we can stop at to take a breather and rest. Its always perfectly timed, when we think that we have nothing left in our weary feet and tiresome minds, there lies something beautiful for us to remind us of what we are doing and why we are here, despite who may or may not have failed before us.
A Bathroom and The Valley of the Never Ending Forest:
I did not really have any epiphanies while walking through this part, but I had to mention that There is a bathroom about halfway through and just after there is a peaceful little foresty area that is nice and flat with a stream next to it to pump water or swim. It is delightful.
Sub Dome, Half Dome and the Climb Before it:
The climb to get on top of Sub Dome is the hardest climb I have yet to do. It took all of my physical and mental strength to do it. It may have been this hard because I was not well, but even if I was, it was still a difficult task to accomplish. The steep rocks mixed with the constant switchbacks and little room for multiple people makes this path more nerve racking than it should be. But as I climbed, I thought. I thought about the entire trip and how hard it was, how all I wanted was to get to the top of this dome and take a nap, how I may never get another chance at this but I may be too ill to continue, how this could be the hardest thing I've ever done and it just got harder. To continue on my last thought, it seems to me that in the moments where we think we cannot grow any more, we do. When we are somehow left with no more fuel in our tank we still press on. When we've exhausted our last resource, with roll up our sleeves and get the job done. It is in those moments we grow the most, and surprise ourselves, by becoming something more than we thought ourselves to be. I climbed to the top of Sub Dome with full intention of getting to the top of Half Dome. But when I saw the "cables" to get to onto Half Dome, I gave in. I did not allow myself to be given the chance to prove itself stronger than I thought. I regret not going to the top of Half Dome despite the sickness in my body and the aches and blisters that formed. I had a moment and lost it. I took a nap instead and when I woke up, I knew I missed a great opportunity to grow.
The Decent:
I'm not sure if any of this actually made sense. It was too long for me to read over and correct. But for those who have made it this far into it Thank you I appreciate your dedication to read this. You now have the honor of knowing what I believe to be the best part of the Half Dome expedition. It was the Decent (like the section title didnt give it away...) not because I could finally go home to the comforts of my bed, no shoes and my computer (along with the pile of homework that awaited me!) but the ability to go back the same path and to look and admire where I came from and to see all the little victories that I had which seemed like impossibilities at the moment, and showed me how much of a conqueror I can be.

What I Felt

I absolutely love the works of Van Gogh. His life and paintings captivate me. Today I spent much of my time admiring this painting. Dubbed Wheat Filed with Crows, this is the last known painting before his death. I stood for an hour staring at it. Its difficult to say what came to mind as I stared at it. Even looking at the painting gives me the feeling that Van Gogh new his time was coming soon. Van Gogh died in the arms of his brother three days later. I think what this painting makes me think what would have happened if I was there with my brother when he died. What would I have said to him? What would he said to me? How would I tell the story of his death? This painting makes me think about life, the abruptness of death, and my family.

Oh to Be Remembered...

Kleos is a Greek word that means something close to eternal glory. In the Iliad, Achilles is given a choice to either be able to stay home raise a family and be known for a small amount of time only through his decedents, or to go to war and become the greatest warrior ever to live on the earth and die young in a blaze of glory. He chose the latter, to not return home to raise a family but to have fame that last beyond his lifetime. And he does have that fame. He had an arrow go through his heel which killed him instantly and gave us the "Achilles tendon." God craves His own Kleos. It is clear in the Bible that He tells the Israelites to do certain things so that "I may be known and remember as the only God" In communion, one of the sacraments, Jesus says to "do this in remembrance of me." We in our own lives do things that we can gain glory in all forms. In personal ways, winning small victories of everyday life, in public ways, becoming the man/woman who saves the day at work and gains the promotion or to doing something to achieve the attention of those around you. Most people would choose to have the everlasting Kleos than the notion of being at home and at peace. Is this selfishness from always wanting to be known? Can it be selfish if Jesus and God wanted their name to be remembered? (Although a case can probably be made that their desire for glory differs from ours)I recently had a friend tell me that if given the opportunity, he would sell his soul to the devil in order to be great at basketball and to have everything he wanted for the rest of his life. I was astonished to find how serious he actually was. It was all for the glory, and to be remembered after he dies. I have the same inclinations to go out and make a name for myself, but then I think to myself, that this is something, that I could be doing for the rest of my life. I would not know when I achieved enough greatness to be remembered by my grandchildren's grandchildren. It would be an ongoing chase that ends only when I am dead. Maybe its worth it, maybe my secret ambition for writing this blog is to gain glory as a writer (even though I have a feeling that I am the only person who reads this) maybe I have already dedicated my life to achieve this Kleos. It better be worth it if I already started, I have a feeling it is not though. But in the society that I live in, what else is there to focus on?

Its Been a While...

Its seems as though my extra little hobby here had a postponement. I stopped writing new post and even stopped thinking about new ideas to write on. I am not exactly sure what it was that stopped me from writing again. I even stopped my other writing endeavors, that I enjoy. Yet as I look into what happened in my life I see that I simply got busy. I got a job, that kept me busy everyday of the week and kept me from the writing that I enjoy. I've always enjoyed having some sort of writing outlet that helps me pass time, cope with situations, or simply explore my creativity. I allowed the other things to take up my time and effort. I say its been a while because that is the story of all that we do in our lives. We start one event and enjoy it until for some reason, whether it is because of boredom, or new interests, or something else more important that occupies our time, we disappear from what we want to do. Then we continue on to something else and wonder what ever happened to our favorite past time. I caught myself 4 months from my last real piece, wondering what happened to all that time I spent writing my thoughts and ideas. I am glad that I found again my craving for writing that I misplaced. I can't say that I'll never lose it again, but I will say it will be a while till I do. A long while indeed.

I Promise!

I do not make promises often. Not because I cannot keep them or I do not like to. But for the reason that when I do make one, the person I make it to knows that I am serious about it. the more rare something is the more precious it is. My promises are precious because it is my word to a person that I WILL do something and they can guarantee it will happen. There is a lot of work that goes into a promise. I dont believe that many people realize that. Many will make their promises, hoping that the one they make it to will forget over time. But promises take time and commitment. Commitment is what turns a promise into a reality. A promise is nothing but false hope until it is been done. I can promise all my life that I will finish my book, but it is not until I sit down, and commit myself to making it happen, that it will happen. I would rather never make a promise to someone, if I knew that I would never do it. Napoleon Bonaparte said "The best way to keep one's word is not to give it." No one could ever judge your integrity if you never dont follow through, but if you make a promise and fail to keep it, a person can fall apart. But a man that makes his promise a priority and completes all he says, is a man that builds himself and those around him. I would say that the result of a promise, is a showing of one's character. Whether it is never kept, it is sadly attempted to be done, it is completed, or accomplished over and above all expectations, it shows who you are. A promise unkept is hurtful lie.

The Weight of Decisions

I've come to the conclusion that life is not one step after the other, but leaps that carry you in and out of situations. At the moment, I am packing my things and preparing to step down for a bit from my mountain campus near Yosemite, and head home to my place in the valley. But questions loom around this corner where I am turning. How will I spend all the extra time that I will have apart from my studies? Will I dedicate my free months to a summer job, shall I continue to pursue my academic goals or perhaps commit myself to rest and rejuvenating the body I have? I start thinking about how exactly this will matter later to my life when I return to my mountain life in but a few months. Will I have the extra money I need to pay for the education I am receiving, will I bit a step ahead for the semesters to come or will I be completely rested and able to come back in full strength ready to tackle all that comes? These choices are grand in my life at the moment and are consistently hindering my thoughts while I sit at lunch, talk philosophy in class or while I dream at night. But as I think longer about all that is to come and the opportunities at hand, I find that they are particularly small and lack in true impact. In a few years from now I will be making different decisions that carry more weight. Where am I to live post-college, who am I to marry, what to do with the knowledge that I spent so much time acquiring? Those questions are greater then those that I am contemplating now. But still there is prominence in those decisions and will be great in my life until they are completed. At the moment they are my paths that lay in front of me waiting for me to walk upon. There is uncertainty in each and great rewards in all. Every path has a certain level of discomfort that it will bring to my life. All require heavy commitment and like a plunge into the water, I will be getting wet. And just as later in life, when the decisions only become greater, I will needs to make the choice sooner than later and it will make all the difference. When I am there I will need to be "all there," which is why life is leaps and not steps. One cannot carefully walk a path they have never done before and assume that prior knowledge will guide them through it. One must jump and take action in life. One only lives once, and in that one life it is rare that they will do the same thing multiple times. Everything has pros and cons, buts its the choice of one to find the least and make the best of it.

Writing Their Hearts

A man once told me that the best writing came when a person is at their lowest point. I began to ponder this man's words. Why is it that in our lowest point comes out the best of writing, many times, our masterpieces! As a bit of a writer myself, I would have to agree with the man's statement because I can see that some of my favorite pieces came from the darkest, saddest, most hurtful or disappointing times in my life. In a strange way, I sometimes look forward to those low moments because there are rarely any other times that I can write better. One needs fuel for the fire, as a writer needs a subject to write about. A poem that can grasp the reader into it, is a poem that has brings the writer's feelings in. In the midst of a tragedy a writer can wield their pen and write what they are going through. It is in tragedy that the heart is most felt. When the heart bleeds its spreads through the body and can be seen, felt and heard. It is a open vessel available to be read. And through the openness of the heart, the writer can be closer to the feelings that drive him, that give him something to write about. He can truly write out his heart. This is special because the reader can relate and know the burden that is laid upon the heart of the writer. In a way, it is encouragement to both the reader and the writer. The writer writes with purpose for people to listen to him, and they do, while the reader reads and sees that they are not the only one going through issues in life. Writing is a type of let, that allows the writer to get all that is in him out, to make room for the good things worth keeping.

Looking Through the Eyes of Art

Recently, I had the opportunity to go out on a overnight art trip with some friends. We went to the San Joaquin Gorge to spend the day and next morning painting nature and life in a real and abstract way. I found a comfortable spot next a to a friend on the bridge that crossed over the gorge. From here I sat and painted all that was around me and in me. It was funny to see that when I was doing some abstract work, what came out on the canvas was a clear description of what I was truly feeling in life at the moment. It was a clash of colors that made faint objects and a mixture of all that I had poured out all over. At that same time, I happened to start a deeper conversation about life, and came to the realization that what I was painting was exactly what I was feeling. Though consciously I had no idea what I was creating, my hands seemed to be telling my mind what was going on in my life. It was a interesting to me to see it when I finished, it was as if I was looking inside me and finally understand what was going on. But, moving on to what I initially wanted to write, whatever it was that I attempted to paint or draw I looked at with different eyes. The first time I saw everything I thought to myself, "Wow, this looks really nice!" Nothing to deep was going on when I looked at the rocks along the side of the water. But it was as I sat down and began to draw that I saw beauty. When I looked again at the same rocks, I noticed their beauty and uniqueness that was not there before. I looked and found beauty shining just at the light of the sun was shining down on everything. After that painting was done I moved on to the next one, but found it difficult to find something to draw. Because now with this different view I had about what was around me, everything looked beautiful and I had an odd feeling to paint it all! Maybe it was because I now was looking for the beauty and glamor amongst nature and not waiting for it to show itself to me. Then as I walked back later that night to my camp sight, everything seemed to have a luminous glow about it. Perhaps it was the sunset that made all the flowers, grass and trees have stronger color to them, or maybe it was that now that my eyes were open to the true beauty that was in every object around me. I began to think about where I could now see this new beauty. And as I mentioned earlier, I had a deep discussion with a friend about life, I thought what if I would look at life the way I am looking at all that is around me now. I look and I am finding a way the five blue flowers look beautiful among the hundreds of white flowers surrounding them, while still finding the beauty in the white flowers. I had earlier passed by this small field of flowers and continued walking thinking, "Oh, this is pretty." But now I stood and gazed at the these flowers, mesmerized by how everything flowed together so gracefully. Connecting this to my idea of finding beauty in life, I realized that I should not wait for beauty of life to show itself to me, but go looking for it and take time to enjoy it. I thought about this for a moment and saw that beauty is everywhere in my life too, even when there are things that seem to be a bit out of place as the five blue flowers did among the white flowers. I remember when I was younger, my mother used to tell me when I was unable to find something in the house that I need to go looking for it because it will not come to me. I now understand, and search for beauty in everyday life. With that, I can enjoy the beauty set before me that no one else may ever come to realize. Only if I look for it can I truly see where it is.

Haircuts...

Just the other day, I happen to walk by a barber shop. As I stood at the door mesmerized by the constant swirling of the blue, white and red striped cone next to the door, I began thinking about what getting a haircut really is. I imagined myself walking through the door into the shop, and taking a seat in waiting area looking at magazines of men with hair that is perfectly styled and fashioned in a way that my hair could never be in. (one reason why this may be is because I have curly hair and 1 out of 3 of the books they have in the store actually contain a picture of a man with curly hair, and when I finally see the picture, it looks like they added 2 larges tubs of gel onto his head to keep the frizzyness down. But generally speaking...) So as I sit waiting...still...I finally choose which style I want my hair to be done in. and after another 10 or 20 minutes waiting a seat opens up. I walk to the barber, put on their skit that goes around my neck and the paper neck choker, just to realize that I left the magazine on the table where I was sitting down. I get up to grab the magazine and realize that I do not remember what page the picture was on. So, I again walk to the barber and get in my seat in which he ask again, what style I would like my hair to be done in. Clueless I say, just cut an inch and a half off. Then the barber spins me in circles for a while until he is happy and then messes with my chair as if I am some child in a high chair waiting for dinner. After being hosed down with a spray bottle, a few snips here and there with the scissors, the barber spins me around a couple more times and faces me towards the mirror to evaluate my new look. Secretly, I'm thinking I look horrible! But, I do not want to spend another hour in the uncomfortable seat so I say it looks fine and get up to pay the cashier. After paying I walk over to the barber and give him tip, I guess for the great job he did, and then proceed out the door and on with my walk. As I continue my walk I look at the windows next to me gazing at my new stylistic look and wonder what I just did? I just payed someone to take something away from me! then tipped him? My hair is a living organism and he just killed it and through it on the floor. And for some reason I decided to pay him for the work he did. To make matters worse I did not even like the way he did it! I could have saved the $17 plus tip and cut my own hair and made it look just as bad. At this point I wake up from the day dream I was in, and look into the window of the barber shop and see i have all my hair still there. Walking away I begin to think of how weird haircuts really are...