The Comfort of My Room

There comes a day in every son or daughter's life where the home(s) they grew up in no longer gives the comfort they once gave. Its an odd feelings of which comes in the transition of one's life while growing up. My former home, no longer feels as it once did, especially my room.

While visiting my parents for the Thanksgiving weekend, I felt strangely uncomfortable. My parents had recently given away my bed and replaced it with a futon which was reinforced with a plywood backing to make it more sturdy and less soft. That was done without my knowledge, but since I was okay with the futon I let it pass without a care. The next action my parents took was selling that futon and replace it with...an ironing board. My former room seems odd without a bed in it anymore.

When going through looking for clothes in my dresser and closet, I noticed that it seemed I has more clothes than before. Then was when  I learned my father has been moving his clothes into my room because he no longer has room in his closet. Slowly he is taking away the little space I used to call my own in my home.

Even though I have been slowly moving out over the past years because of college, now I feel as though i'm being pushed out!

Don't get me wrong though, all these occurrences I am fine with. I am rarely ever in the room that was passed down from my sister, to my brother and I, and finally just mine. I want my parents to be able to use the space they have to do as they see fit with, but its a little weird.

I remember seeing my bed which had a car shaped surrounding to it, and I remember seeing the closet go from the dresses of my sister and the suits of my brother to the numerous hoodies of mine. Now, both are long gone.

When I visit my parents house, I now share a bed with my father for the few days, or go off into the home of my sister who always has an air mattress for my needs. But its not the same. My room no longer gives me the comfort, peace and serenity which it once freely gave.

Now I find my solace in my apartment, my new home and place of peace and rest. But soon again, I will need to find a new comfort in a new room, until I find my forever home.

My Friend, the Underdog.

I have a friend who is probably one of the rudest people I know. It is not a rude that is awkward or uncomfortable to be around but one that is completely open and honest with no punches pulled. What he says everyone else is thinking and knows to be true but they hold back the words because they wish not to offend anyone and risk their own likability. My friend, unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, does not care what people think or say about him so he says what he wants. What puzzles me about my friend is how people are attracted to him despite is strong flaw. His open floodgate of a mouth does not keep him from being a popular guy among any group of people. A normal person would believe that any other that has a “no punches pulled” vocabulary would be void of any friends, but not this guy.

I began to think deeper on the situation and finally came to a conclusion of why even I cannot pull myself from liking my unfiltered friend. There was a time in his young life where he was not the most popular, liked or fairly treated person. He had a difficult journey in his youth, having more than his fair share of family tragedies and unnecessary calamities. Yet somehow, some way, he survived and became a stronger person because of it. He adapted to a person who has a heart strong enough to endure the wiles of this life yet soft enough to come to the aid of people who are going through what he went through. He is a champion of sorts; one that started off as an underdog. We as people love Cinderella stories were the underdog thrives and comes to the top of the world after hard work and persistence.

My friend, the underdog, has been beat down, bruised, battered and shattered in too many ways. His trip to hell and back was not a choice of his, but simply in the cards that were dealt to him by life. Despite all the struggle, he continued pursuing his dream and finally reached the place where the grass on his side is greener. He can stand now, having been there and done that without complaining or hating what he went through, but with knowledge that he can use to be in somebody’s corner and help them where they fill like they have been abandon. No one knows more than an underdog, how hard the trials are, but no one knows victory more than the same underdog who triumphs. When I look at my friend, I don’t see the rude and sometimes abrasive nature of him, but I see a man who didn’t let himself be caught up in self-pity or his circle of failures and has grown to become a reliable, caring person; a man who has been through the ringer and won. 

Political Skills

Recently, I was writing a self-reflection paper for a class. For the paper I had to take a plethora of quizzes that would help describe me and give something to write about myself. The quiz that stuck out to me the most was one that measured my "political skill." It struck my fancy because I do not think of myself as any type of political advocate, or one who dives into the political scene, but when I took the quiz, I was given a score in the political skill. Surprised, I looked into the quiz and the "political skill" that I apparently had.

According to the quiz authors of the quiz defined political skill as “an interpersonal style construct that combines social perceptiveness or astuteness with the capacity to adjust one’s behavior to different and changing situational demands in a manner that inspires trust, confidence and genuineness and effectively influences and controls the responses of others.” Essentially, their definition of political skill is the ability to appear to others as having high integrity, authenticity and sincerity, being able to use diverse networks and to exert a powerful influence on others. Longish definitions, but I came to the conclusion that political skills was really people skills taken to a personal level. 

I honestly try my best to make an impact on people’s lives every day, to show care and interest, and to set a standard for others to follow. I do this because I believe that there are so many people who are not shown these qualities that should be second nature to we humans, and they go throughout their days with a little less sunshine because no one was there to show interest in anything that was going on in their lives. I believe showing genuine care in a person, even if it is in their everyday mundaneness of life is important because in that moment, the person who is recognized feels significant and needed in a world, and makes the unfortunate mess of a world we live in a little bit better. If this be called political skill, I feel that it is given a skewed looked because politics do not have the best known reputation; yet to me this political skill, or honest and simple generosity toward another human, is a part of me that I not only enjoy doing but strategically plan my day to spend time investing in people. I like that I have this “political skill” and will continue to use it for the benefit of those around me, and not for the upcoming election. 

Protect Your Heart

There are days, where no matter how hard you try, sometimes you just can see the big picture. And what you see now, just isn't right; because what you see is discomfort and uneasiness. It seems like nothing is going your way in your life, and you can't find a break in the string of defeats. You're stuck in this rut and you can't get out, because the walls are so high around you, you're left without hope. You're heart becomes broken from the continual crushing that life seems to be blowing your way. Its become your mindset that you won't ever move from this position because it continues to keep you helpless on the ground. Its seems like it will not stop, while days turn into weeks, weeks to months and then its years of what seems like bad luck. It's not fair. Its undeserved, but its happening. And the worst part, is that your heart begins to believe that there is no hope.
If you're like me, you begin to try to get yourself out of this. You change your diet, maybe the healthy lifestyle will inspire good things to happen; you change your outlook on life, because there is always someone in the world who is doing worse than you are or ever will be. You change your friends, because you're not the only one that goes through thing like this. You change your relationship with God, most times you start stepping back because you think He isn't doing something right. You change anything that you think that will help, but nothing seems to work, and your hopeless heart, has convinced your mind that there is nothing you can do.
I came to this point in my life recently, and I did pretty much everything that I listed above, minus a few, plus others. Finally, I went to a place that I should have gone to in the first place. I went to my Bible. I partially placed the blame on God for my position, so I took a step back thinking I could take a break and see what God would turn around for me. Honestly, there wasn't much of a difference. So I changed my ways again, and went deeper into God's Word. The funny thing is that in my first day in my readings, I found NOTHING. Nothing that was beneficial to my situation for that day. I am not sure how everyone else always finds their answers every time they open the Bible for the first time. I didn't allow that to stop me the next day when I went to read my Bible again. And in Day 2, I found the same answer as the day before, another dose of nothing. This medicine wasn't working.
It wasn't till my 4th day diving into the Word that I found something that was really helpful, and encouraging to my heart. This reminds me of a story in Elijah's life in 1 Kings, where God deliberately told Elijah to go somewhere so He could speak to him. When he got there, Elijah was greeted by a fierce wind, an earthquake and a fire, none of which were God speaking to him. But when he waited a little bit longer, God showed up and told Elijah what needed to be done.
Like Elijah I waited and the Lord showed up, finally. What I found on that fourth day was a gem of wisdom in Proverbs. Pro. 4.23 "Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it." (GWT) I've come to the conclusion that the majority of what I've recently gone through is not really the fault of anyone else but me. Sure they have been the causation of all that happened, but for this struggle to continue in my life this long, can only be my fault. I let it attack my source of life, my heart. My heart believed there was no hope, and I acted upon it.
Yes I have reasons to be angry and disappointed, I didn't get the promotion I deserved, I am not living in the apartment complex that I wanted to be in, I don't have my closest friends directly by my side, I wasn't chosen for a leadership position, a relationship that I thought would be for the rest of my life failed, I'm stuck geographically because I do not have a vehicle the works, I was working under a boss that wasn't so ideal, I had an injury that even after hiking 8 miles up a mountain kept me from attempting the last quarter mile and reaching the peak.
Those are major disappointments that happened, but life isn't all disappointing. I still have a job in a poor economy, I'm living in an apartment that in many ways is better than what I originally wanted, though my closest friends aren't here, I have new friends that are deeming themselves as worthy people to be around and share life with, I've been given free time to work and better myself and figure out who I am, I received the opportunity to learn what I truly want/need/like in a mate, I've been giving the ability to make sure I am fully recovered and the chance to restore myself and train so when I attempt the previous hike, I wont be stopped.
My heart is seeing that life isn't so hopeless. It didn't take me one day to get to the hopeless funk I was in, and I'm sure it won't take one day to get out. But now that I know what I am up against, I know that I will be able to more properly protect my heart, my source of life, from the struggles of life. I will focus on the opportunity gained, rather than the one that is lost. Our decision for our outlook on life is much like any coin we have in our pockets. Each coin has two sides, Heads and Tails. We have the ability to turn the head so its face down, walk around with our hands in our pockets, waiting for the next event that we claim to be a victim of; or we can keep our heads up, protect our hearts and view life as a giver of unexpected opportunities.
Please, protect your heart.

Alternate Reality

The other day a friend told me some information that could have really altered the past year of my life had I known the information before. I thought about what would have happened had I known this information. I would not have made certain decisions, and life would be really different today. I have no idea what would actually happen, but I know that what did happen wouldn't have. I know I am being vague, but that is because almost everyone has moments where they can relate to his. You find yourself wondering what would have happened if you would have said Yes, rather than No. Or even the opposite; No rather than Yes. Or maybe in the moment, if you would have waited just a little bit longer, and held out to see what would have happened. These "What-If" scenarios come into play. We create a world in our minds about what would have happened, or more like what we would have wanted to happen, and leave the world of reality.
These scenarios give me a hollow feeling inside my heart. I think that if even if I had the chance to go back and redo my choices, I still would have entered a whole of pain, heartbreak and valleys. Often times I think that we make ourselves believe that if we could change the past we could have avoided all the suffering that we went through. But its not true. The real reason we escape our alternate reality is because we want to escape the pain of reality, of mistakes we made, of words said that we now wish we could take back. Our alternate reality is really just a "perfect" world, that exist only in our dreaming, for better or for worse.

Failure

Some people do not fair well with failure. They do everything they can to stay away from it as if it is the flue that they can easily catch. Others find failure to be the bottom to the barrel, and that there is nothing worse that can happen after failure.

Then some people see failure as an opportunity, a time where they can learn from whatever mistake they made that led them there. They see failure as the necessary step that brings them closer to their goal. Others see failure as the turning point, the 211th degree that like water needs to be reached in order to start boiling at 212 degrees.

One failure that I keep in mind is not a failure of my own, but the failure of another. He was my leader, but unfortunately his goal to bring a group of guys together didn't work out the way he wanted it to. I was one of the guys he tried unifying. I will say that he had a difficult task in his hands, and it was not the commitment of his that led to his defeat, but the lack of commitment in we young, immature boys that allowed it to slip through our hands. I keep this in mind because I admire my friend's failure. I aspire to be him, truly! Not to fail like him, but to be like him. Even in failure, he never gave up; he continued toward his goal even when it was clear that everything was galling apart. He was consistent, persistent, and never gave up. He was at a level of devotion that is rarely seen in people. That kind of devotion is what I want, desire for my personal commitments. And even though he failed, and no longer leads us, he stayed true till the end, as a captain of a ship till the boat sank, but without the stupidity.

Failure is not always bad, but can be useful and in some ways inspiring. Perhaps its not the act of failure that can break a person, but the way it happens that can create something good or something less fortunate.

When Everybody is Mad at Everybody

In my current living situation I am in a position that I am fairly unfamiliar with. I moved into my apartment with three other guys way at the end of Sept. It is presently March and is by two or three months, the longest I have lived in one place consecutively since moving out of my parents house. I have moved around quite a bit due to work positions and where I was doing my schooling. Being able to live with this group of guys for this long has been an enjoyable experience. But even in joy the are difficulties.

Recently, there have been so many disappointments, misunderstandings and lacking of commitment that it is becoming difficult to want to be in the house I live in. There are issues with everyone; the one who does the least chores complains the most, the smallest one is picked on by the bigger ones, the easy-going one losses care for anything that is happening in the apartment. I find this dynamic that is happening similar to a family. Many times siblings get after each other when they don't do their chores, simply because they don't want anyone else to notices that they aren't doing there's. The older sibling picks on the little one for no reason, but because they know that they have the advantage if things become hostile. The sibling (often the middle child) that gets along with everybody loses care for the others because there is drama they do not want to get into.

Families are usually easier to apologize to and make up with after making mistakes. But when it comes to disturbances between non-related persons living together, it no longer simple. Insecurities get in the way, different foundations make resolving uneven, and even emotions mixed with sub conscience thoughts about he other person get in the way and make issues hard to get over. Like a large pile of clothes dumped onto a bed, its a messy chore that doesn't take great effort to complete but we stop ourselves from resolving it.

In a way, this makes me miss my family and appreciate them more. Because even when everybody is mad at everybody, things eventually work themselves out. With people that are in some ways strangers, the same cannot be always said.

My Fortune Cookie

Three months ago, I ate at a Chinese restaurant. It wasn't just any Chinese place, it was a wonderful Chinese place. The name of the place was called, Wonderful Chinese Food. As much as I despise places that seem to name themselves with egocentric titles, these cooks made me a believer. But as almost everyone knows, the meal you eat at any Chinese place, is not the part you'll remember. The most memorable part and the absolute best moment of the meal is the opening of the fortune cookie.

You never know what it is going to say about you're future. There are times when it gives you something to look forward too, like the words "Good fortune is right around the corner for you!" Or times when it gives eerie warnings such as, "Be careful with any near ventures, danger may await." Sometimes the words on the familiar white slip of paper, can be pretty or sweet and instead of predicting the future, it will make a statement like, "A good friend is like a flower is full blossom." Not as exciting, but sometimes it helps you too remember not to take the small things, like friendship, for granted. No matter what is written on fortune or if it has a chance of becoming a reality, the fortune cookie always brings a smile to people's faces.

Recently, actually three months to the date, I opened a fortune cookie. I opened it up and I was struck with excitement. I cracked the yellow cookie, placing half of it on my plate eagerly grabbing the small piece of paper between my fingers. I read the following words, "Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you." I was in a moment of my life where I wasn't really too excited about all that was around me, but these two sentences made me think about the future, what would happen in three months? Does this mean that nothing good will happen for another three months? How can I wait this long? In my short excitement I remembered that I was just reading a piece of paper, and I quietly placed in my wallet as a keepsake. I knew that there was no real meaning to the paper but I wanted there to be significance. Since then, many of the good things that have happened to me or around me I have often thought back to that Sunday brunch with my family when I first saw my fortune.

Three months later bring us to today. I think about the fortune, and though I do not give all the credit to that paper for the good that has happened to me, I use it to think about how far I've come in the past three months. I feel as though I have been blessed so much I could list it but it would end up taking up all the space on my website! But honestly, much has happened in this length of time and it makes me reflect on all that can change in such a small amount of time.

Things were not going all too great from me, there weren't a whole bunch of positives and I seemed to be sinking into a bottomless pool. But it changed, or I thought it changed. Truly, I changed. I realized that with my little fortune cookie, I was expecting good things to happen, I was no longer being weary of the next negative waiting for me around life's corner, I was now looking for the good. I had a new perspective and though my struggles still continued because I knew that with every dip, there was a rise and I would come to the top again.
Its the little things in life that make us smile. Sometimes those little things make a huge difference and help people like me remember that there is always good happening around us, we just have to remember to look.

Change is Change

Recently I had a friend of mine tell me that change is always good. I laughed at that notion because there are few people that actually believe that. Most of the time we are trying to get people to embrace change because no one wants it. Change is awkward, unfortunate, hurtful, stretching, stressing and difficult for so many people. That is why the majority of persons are afraid of change. If it were good, people would not be so afraid of it. Often time people like a steady environment, which is why change is frowned upon. Or past change has been unfavorable to them because; like when they were younger the family moving made the children lose all their friends and lost contact to the people that meant most to them, or when mom got a new boyfriend and the change of the man in the house led to the abuse of the family, or the time when someone decided they wanted to change what they were studying in college and enter a new field, but when they finally graduated the realized that what they were prepared for was not what they wanted. Change like that is scary.

How could someone say that all change is good, when they are so many examples of bad change all around. But on the other side of the coin, there is the good change. When an unhealthy person finally decides and commits to living a life aware of what the eat and how they live, or when a couple decides that they are going to get married, or when a person accepts a new job that is finally paying them for their worth. Change has the ability to be good, and even great and should not be something worth fearing.

Simply stated, change is not good for everyone. Sometimes change tares people, families or a business apart, and sometimes it is desperately needed for people, families or a business to succeed. Change effects every person differently, and to force your false belief or reality of change always being good or always being bad would be incorrect. Change is change, consistently neither good nor bad, but always different.

Six Word Memoir

I StumbledUpon a site the other day that was all about Six-Word Memoirs written from people about their view of their lives. People would look at their lives and say what they thought their lives were in six words.

There were really good ones...

"Hold on, I'm almost caught up..."; "Hair is graying. Soul is not"; "Daughter's lovely smile brightens my day"

Romantic ones...

"It was puppy love, but lasted"; "He wrote love on my arm"; "Married with kids, still in love"

Funny ones...

"Well educated, but not very smart";"Refusing to be tall, skinny, blonde"; "Bright, cute, smart. Like a monkey!"

Inspiring ones...

"Ghetto to Greatness. A Dream Achieved"; "Knew doodling would pay off...eventually"; "Picking up the pieces, will get through"

and Unfortunate ones...

"'Father-daughter dance': the hardest words heard"; "Barely surviving after Death stole him"; "Antidepressants ruined friendship. Still unrequited love"

I began to think about what my memoir could be with only six words to use. After spending spending so much ending up with five and seven words, I finally found six simple words to say. Through Bitterness, I've learned to Love. But when I said those words to myself I realized that I should not let these words be the memoir of my life five, ten or twenty years from now. With the most part of life ahead of me I also made a goal of what I want my memoir to be in my future: Always Helpful, Always Loving, Always Fun. Even if someone else writes the memoir for my life, this is how i want to be seen. This is my memoir.

His Story

Today I was walking on the sidewalk by my university's baseball field outside the right outfield. I was not paying any attention to the game going on, but my attention was taken by a man struggling to get a good view of the game. I found it odd that he would have chosen this view for watching the game. On this sidewalk, which is street side, there is a large net for blocking balls hit out of the park and a couple of buildings on the side for the baseball players that impair the view for anyone watching from this side. The bleachers are on the next to home plate and only a moments walk away from the position the man occupies. But when I look at him a bit more closely, it makes sense why he does not dare enter the campus property, and stays looking from this poor viewing area. Most campuses don't particularly like having homeless people on their campus "disturbing the peace", and though this man probably wouldn't do much more than enjoy the game with a closer view, his look of homelessness unfortunately would raise questions from people, and from the insecurities of people, the security of the campus would more than likely be called upon to remove the man. So as a child looking at a candy store from the outside window, he stared looking to see what pitch the pitcher would throw next, and if the batter was able to figure it out in time to hit it into the outfield so he could safely get on bade. Unfortunately for the batter, it went foul.

I stared awkwardly at the man for a little bit wondering what his story was. What events happened to him that led to him looking like he did? Was he homeless? Why was he interested in the game that was going on? Maybe there was a relative on the field and he was trying to get a glimpse of them on the field. Does he have a passion for baseball? Maybe he once played for a team and had an injury that disabled him from playing another game making him lose his scholarship, which made unable to pay for his university, which led to him not being able get an education to move forward, which then led to him losing what life he had left. All these small stories rush into my head, making me think too much about this man's former life. I said a quick prayer for him, but I felt as if that was not enough for this man. I want to know more about him who he was, is what he did, and now doing, but I keep walking.

In a world where everyone has their ears plugged with the music of their choice, and eyes consumed with the phone in hand it easy not to see those around us. Its easy not to get to know the life that is next to us. We could be missing out on a story of a man or woman that is more tragic, entertaining, dramatic, heart wrenching or romantic than any book or movie could ever be. But instead we keep walking, sometimes without noticing. I think if I had a second chance, I would like to think that I would stop and talk to this man, because when I'm older and filled with years I want someone to listen to my stories.

Trading Good for Bad

Its interesting how people who do good are often not rewarded for their good deeds. Recently I heard about two brothers who were close but lived different lives. One was a normal guy who worked the average job and enjoyed a low key lifestyle. The other brother who was older was a comedian, lived his life on a cruise ship as a stand-up comic always in the the spot light. Unfortunately, the younger brother became ill with a liver disease that was slowly killing him. Fortunately for him though, this type of disease could be easily healed with a piece of another person's healthy liver added to his, and his older brother had a healthy enough liver to accommodate his need. They both went into surgery and the ill, younger brother came out happy and healthier than before. Exciting and great news. But the older brother didn't come out looking nearly as well as the other brother. In fact, now the older brother was dying. It came to a point that the older brother now needed another surgery to save him from death. It was close, but he was able to make it through alive. For his gift of giving a piece of his liver to his younger brother, he was given a potentially life taking illness from the surgery, and though his life was spared he ended up coming closer to death than his brother ever was.

In a world where good deeds don't seem to come around often to those who give them its easy to be discouraged. Its legally safer for "Good Samaritans" to literally ignore situations because there are so many accounts of people doing the right thing morally and ethically but are sued because they helped incorrectly, or their aid wasn't desired, or their willingness to be there for someone backfires because some lawyer finds a way to show that had the Good Samaritan not been there the affects of the victim would have been less. Interesting right?

I guess that is why twice in the New Testament after Christ's death Paul says to the church (Galatians 6.9; 2 Thess. 3.13) not to become tired, distressed or weary of doing what is right, good and well meaning. It is so easy to lose focus on doing good because good doesn't always come back around fast enough, but when it does it makes what we did so long ago seem completely worth it.

Immaturity

There are days when I look back at my life and see how immature I was in certain stages of my life. Then there are days when I look at myself in the moment and see how immature I still am. Others would agree with me when I say that I am definitely mature for my age, but when I look at the decisions I've made in key situations in my life I see that I fell very short of my ideal maturity level. Then I wonder, if I'm someone who is ahead of the maturity curve, what does that mean of everyone else who may be behind it?

Having recently had my birthday, I am currently 21, I am a junior at my university, preparing myself for what I'll be doing for the rest of my life, and looking for who the person who I'll be spending the rest of my life with. These commitments are fairly large and something that should be looked at for a solid amount of time. When I break down my age, I've been out of my house living in an apartment near my school for around 3 years, and the other 18 I've been living under the care of my family. Yet somehow there is the expectation that within 4 or 5 years of college I am supposed to know A) what I want to do for the rest of my life, B) who I want to be with for the rest of my life (including preparation for a family) C) where I want to live for the next substantial part of my life! Those are some intense items on the list. Am I ready for this? Am I mature enough to actually make a valid and correct choice?

At this point in my life, should God allow me to live a full length of days to 120 years, I would have lived one-sixth of my entire life. Yet, somehow I'm supposed to let this fraction of my life dictate what I'll be doing for over half of my life. This is something which I do not understand. This is also the reason why I believe most people do not put to use the degree they earn from their Undergrad studies, why marriages between people in their upper 20s and lower 30s are more successful that marriages between people in their lower to mid-20s, and finally why some people have a "mid-life crisis," because they chose to follow a path that they no longer believe in. They were so young, dumb and immature when they choose the steps they would be taking.

When I think about it, I don't think I'm qualified to make any of these decisions that I am supposed to be making now. I haven't experienced life enough to learn what makes me the most happy and fulfilled, I haven't learned who would be best as a companion for me or what I truly want to do for the rest of my work life. My maturity level, despite being decently high enough, I believe may be too low for something as large and important as what I am deciding. If I wasn't immature, I wouldn't have crumbled to pieces when the greatest pressure I've experienced came towards me not to long ago. I wouldn't have panicked as I did, or wasted time whining about my time missed, rather than being glad for the time I had.

Then there is the afterthought, which comes immediately after those previous thoughts. 6 months ago, I was not where I am today. Experience has led me to where I am, strengthened me and taught me valuable lessons. I can most definitely say I am at a higher maturity level that I was before. I think that had I not gone through those struggles of not too long ago, I would not be better prepared for the ones that are right around the corner. Every piece of jewelry has to go through the fire and cutting process in order to come out the beautiful gem it is. The important thing to remember is that I am still alive and kickin'. I survived and have recovered. I have become more mature in this time.

A moment ago, I may not have been able to choose the answers to any of the above questions; I might not even be ready now, but I know for sure that I am stepping forward in my maturity. Though they are pressing questions, the questions are not really as pressing as my mind makes them. I still have time, though the time may be down to only a few months or days, it is time nonetheless. When the time comes to decide, honestly (and oddly) I hope that I will have gone through enough that my immature self will have grown into someone that can make the decision with confidence and maturity. I also pray that no matter what comes my way, I will have the courage and strength to go through it knowing that I will be coming out the other side a better man. A more mature man than before who is better prepared for the tough decisions in life.

Identity Crisis

Its amazing sometimes how around the time that we begin to make good headway into discovering who we are, we are attacked exactly at the point that we just learned about ourselves! I remember when I learned that I am persistent person. It seemed like everything that happened over the next few weeks, seemed to try my persistence. It was as if now that I knew a piece of me had the persistent trait, life seemed to be testing my persistence, commitment, and consistency. And even after that, there were struggles that were making me think that perhaps the persistence that I now thought I had, was merely stubbornness that I was making myself believe was good. Then there were the trials that made me think about how persistent I should be; would I go on forever when my persistence was being stretched beyond what it should be (and perhaps then becoming stubbornness) or would I learn the time to be persistent and the time to throw in the towel. In every way, my new found idea that I am a persistent person was being weighed, and measured.

Interestingly enough, Jesus went through this same type of trial during his time on Earth. At the end of Matthew 3, Jesus is getting baptized by John the Baptist and at the very end of the that God opens up the sky and in an audible voice says, "This is my son, in who I am well pleased." The next verse, which is the beginning of chapter 4 says that immediately after the baptism, Jesus was sent to be tried by the devil in the wilderness. As he is being tested, the devil TWICE begins his testing with "If you are really the son of God then..." He attacked him directly where Jesus had quite literally just been told who he was. Jesus' identity was being tried at the heart of who he learned he was. Just like I was.

Fortunately, Jesus was able to overcome the trials that were against him, giving us hope and the blueprint of what to do when our identity had become under attack. Its knowledge in the Lord that enables us to overcome what adversities may attack us. In the end, its him that knows us the best .

Uncertainty

Something to think about with the new year upon us...

Yesterday night I walked to my garage, which is behind my house and disconnected, and I put in my washer a load of laundry, and began to walk back to my house when a thought occurred to me. I used to be terrified of what was behind my house at night. I live in the country and when the sun went down, it got dark quick (obviously) unless there was a moonlit night. Between the back of my house and the inside of the garage there was no lights. And when I was young, that was the scariest 50 feet in the whole town. But now, I had walked to the garage and back, without even thinking about all the noises of the night or how dark it was. My young apprehensive self would have ran quickly to the inside of the garage to turn off the light and on the way back, planned my escape to the inside of the house from the inside of my garage within the safety of the light. Now I'm confident in my trip to and from the garage and I almost find the darkness and noises peaceful.

I think that our fears seem so big to us when were at a certain age, but I think that often all the fear we have sprouts from uncertainty. When were young, were afraid of the dark because we don't know what's out there. We're afraid to move on from high school, or from college because we don't know if we'll turn out right, or if we'll have a job when were done. When were in a relationship, we don't know how to tell the other person that we think they're the one, or 'i love you' because we don't know how to react. Or when we just left a relationship, we don't want to get in another one because we don't know if we'll get hurt again, if someone will truly love you for who you are, or if we'll ever find true happiness. Later we get concerned about if our child or children will turn out alright, because we don't know if they'll get ill, or if they'll be picked on in school or if they'll succeed in life. It is uncertainty that brings us our fear.

I heard a preacher once say that you can be completely afraid of something and still go through it. That is what courage is. Admitting you have fear of what may happen, but taking the initiative to not let that stop you from living your life. In a couple years or a few months or even a week or two, you'll look back at what you were afraid then and see that it really wasn't anything to be afraid of at all, and that where you are now, is better off because you went through it setting your fear aside. A leap of faith isn't a leap without fear, its a leap of letting go, and believing something will catch you. And if you fall, it simply wasn't meant to be; you know that what you did wasn't the right path, and you're even closer to what is for you. It is a success in my book! And even a greater success when you get back up and try something else. Don't let uncertainty stop you from going where you should be going.