I'm Working On It

A friend of mine recently died. It interesting because I immediately thought about my good friend that passed long ago because both have died at a young age. Since that first death that was so close to me, I have not taken a liking to death to burial times. The mourning I can do and understand, but things like the viewing or memorial services, or the funeral themselves I find it very hard to actually make myself attend such events. in the past ten years or so, I've known quite a few people that have gone into the next life, but out of all of them, I think that I've been to only 1 funeral and just as many viewings. I can't stand it, it is not something that I can easily describe to people, but I can hardly bare it. I told someone that I didn't go to the prayer service for my friend the died recently, because I was working on how I feel about death and these sorts of events. He told me that when he was in college, he had his roommate and best friend die of a heart attack in his arms. That is heart breaking. Completely. I do not know what I would do in the position, if my best friend had died that way, than the way he did long ago. But my friend told me the same words, that he too was "working on it" and wouldn't mind talking about it if I ever needed to. To be honest, I don't want to talk to him, but I think it is definitely something nice to know that someone will be there for me that can understand the way I feel. Someone that has a connection to me. someone that can relate to my feelings as a human.

Disappointments

Life has its ups and downs. Unfortunately, I've had a few downs lately. I've come to the realization that not everything works out the way that I want it to. Now you are probably thinking, "You just now realized that?" No, I didn't. Its more than that, that I have realized. Somethings just don't work. Whether they don't work can be all sort of reasons, some of which can be because it wasn't meant to happen, you didn't work hard enough, you over worked at it, you gave up on it, and then, I think the real reason that gets overlooked very often is that it just didn't work. There is no reason for it, sometimes things don't work. Not everything can be done the way we want it to be, life doesn't work like that. How do I know, because it hasn't thus far. I believe that some things don't work simply because it is meant to build our character, not test it. It is in defeat when we show who we truly are. It is in disappointment that we show how much we let ourselves go. If everything went right in our lives, if we win everything, how could we ever appreciate it with out first understand what its like to be on the ground. It is disappointment that we create ourselves, so that when victories come, we can be really grateful and not take for granted what we have.

Vanishing Act: Now You See Me, Now You Don't

I've learned the art of how to disappear. Whether that be a good things, or a bad thing, I do not know. Sometimes I need to get away, be alone in solitude, not in loneliness. But often, I see myself disappearing out of habit. At a party, in my own apartment, at an event, I become alone. What I've noticed over the past year or so, is my unwillingness to be around people that seem to not want to be around me. I feel like its worthless spending time around "friends" that wouldn't come to my door if I asked them to, but would rather allow the busyness of life keep us apart. Thus I disappear from their life. In moments like this I think that its wrong of me to do so, but at the same times, I see the people that are truly excited to see me, and genuinely want to be around me. They are the ones that are still around me. I like to call them my "true friends" but sometimes its surprising to see which people stick around me. I didn't know they felt so close to me. And if I mean something to them, I don't want to disappear from their lives.

Relying On God

Recently, I have noticed that I have allowed myself to be moved by the things that I see, what seems real to me. With the start of school comes the start of financial issues. I have a minimum wage paying job, that had taken hours away from me so that i'm only working once a week, and it seems like no one else is hiring. I'm concerned with the struggles I have of finishing paying off this semester, while needing to pay of the semester ahead of me so I can study abroad, and the possibility of having to pay for a summer program that I may not have the money for. I have allowed myself to be buried in what I see, and thus I am struggling. But I have found my strength in 2 Cor. 5:7. In a moment where I feel so stretched out, that I no longer feel like I have control, I realize that I'm doing things all wrong. I am being moved by what I see, and in different words, I am walking by sight. 2 Cor. 5.7 says, "For we walk by faith, not by sight." Paul is writing this in a time where he says they are "In this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed..." Despite the circumstances of Paul, he and his companions are not moved by what they see in the situation, but the hope of the Lord in their future, and what He will do for them soon. I know that the Lord is going to provide for me, I need to focus on that. Walk by my faith, not by my sight. I'll watch the Lord provide all that I need, and then more.

I'm Not too Short.

This is probably the most encouraging thing I have seen in a long time. I absolutely love the game of basketball. I may not be great at it, but I believe I can hold up my own most times. Unfortunately, poor coaches, and knee injuries have stunned my development of basketball skills. I wanted to be good and do something great in the game, but I did not have coaches that took there time to teach their players, and two large knee injuries have kept me on the bench for many games. These days, I don't play much basketball. I wish I did. It is very peaceful to me, and there are few things that I enjoy more than playing this game. But because of my height, I feel as if I never really gave myself a chance. I'm all of 5'8'' and my point guard skills are not as great as others. I learned how to play as a wing player, and never cultivated my ball handling skills. Thus when I came to a point where I stopped growing, I wasn't as valuable because I was too short. When I was young I dream of playing in the Olympics, for the USA Basketball team. That dream was crushed by the reality of my height. I stopped trying because I thought it was vanity to do such.

Just the other day, I saw this video about a 5'4'' college kid, who tried out for his college team in his Junior year. What amazed me is that he made the team, whats even greater, is that he made an impact! In the video link below, it tells you what was done for him his senior year.

Five-foot-4 walk-on’s perseverence pays off with scholarship - The Dagger - NCAAB Blog - Yahoo! Sports:

For those of you who are having issues watching the video, this is what happened. Because of his persistence and hard work, more than skills at the game, he was given a full scholarship to pay off college while he played. Fantastic right? The scene goes to a point where it looks like the couch is going to bang on him for not being in shape, but quickly the conversation turns into praise for the player. And in the end, the coach does what he says was the 'most rewarding thing I've done,' and hands him the full scholarship.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I start trying again, things could work out for me in the same way. Maybe I'm not too short.
'via Blog this'

Dinner with Friends

Yesterday evening, I enjoyed dinner with some close friends of mine. It was fantastic to cook a meal for them. I cook often for myself, but providing for more than just myself was truly something special. But I what I like to note, more than just the food and company that was enjoyed, is the conversation that was had. When you're among close friends, conversation isn't lofty and empty but there is conversation that is deep, sincere and worth spending time on. Of course there are the conversations that are simply fun, but always with close friends, there are ties when you say what you think to the other person because there is actual concern for them, their well being and anything they get themselves into. If I have learned something over the course of my college years, is that a good friend will speak their concern into you not because they don't want you to do succeed, but because they love and care for you in all you're endeavors. I believe that a friend is not a true friend if they do not state their concern for you in whatever you're doing.

The Ending

I am not ending this blog, just in case you were a bit worried. But there are things that have ended in my life and its difficult to describe the feelings that I have toward it all. I like to be completely committed to what I am devoting myself to, whatever it may be. Why? Because I am going to be pouring my heart and soul into whatever it is, because I want whatever I am connected to, to succeed and withstand all that may come against it. I do not want anything to distract me away from what is precious to me. I don't like to waste my time so when I spend my time doing something it is definitely worth my time doing it. But sometimes I have to end things. Even if it is a good thing. As the saying goes, "All good things must come to an end." Whether it be true or not, some good things do end, and sometimes endings are good, even if they hurt. Part of me thinks that I am not able to wholly communicate what I am trying to say. Maybe I am making excuses for why I stay with certain things, or maybe I just have an older style of thinking. But I need to be completely focused in order to not be sidetracked, because if im sidetrack, i'm not fully committed, which I believe is wrong. I dont like for things to end, but sometimes they have to, whether it be for a time, or forever. The end.