Immaturity

There are days when I look back at my life and see how immature I was in certain stages of my life. Then there are days when I look at myself in the moment and see how immature I still am. Others would agree with me when I say that I am definitely mature for my age, but when I look at the decisions I've made in key situations in my life I see that I fell very short of my ideal maturity level. Then I wonder, if I'm someone who is ahead of the maturity curve, what does that mean of everyone else who may be behind it?

Having recently had my birthday, I am currently 21, I am a junior at my university, preparing myself for what I'll be doing for the rest of my life, and looking for who the person who I'll be spending the rest of my life with. These commitments are fairly large and something that should be looked at for a solid amount of time. When I break down my age, I've been out of my house living in an apartment near my school for around 3 years, and the other 18 I've been living under the care of my family. Yet somehow there is the expectation that within 4 or 5 years of college I am supposed to know A) what I want to do for the rest of my life, B) who I want to be with for the rest of my life (including preparation for a family) C) where I want to live for the next substantial part of my life! Those are some intense items on the list. Am I ready for this? Am I mature enough to actually make a valid and correct choice?

At this point in my life, should God allow me to live a full length of days to 120 years, I would have lived one-sixth of my entire life. Yet, somehow I'm supposed to let this fraction of my life dictate what I'll be doing for over half of my life. This is something which I do not understand. This is also the reason why I believe most people do not put to use the degree they earn from their Undergrad studies, why marriages between people in their upper 20s and lower 30s are more successful that marriages between people in their lower to mid-20s, and finally why some people have a "mid-life crisis," because they chose to follow a path that they no longer believe in. They were so young, dumb and immature when they choose the steps they would be taking.

When I think about it, I don't think I'm qualified to make any of these decisions that I am supposed to be making now. I haven't experienced life enough to learn what makes me the most happy and fulfilled, I haven't learned who would be best as a companion for me or what I truly want to do for the rest of my work life. My maturity level, despite being decently high enough, I believe may be too low for something as large and important as what I am deciding. If I wasn't immature, I wouldn't have crumbled to pieces when the greatest pressure I've experienced came towards me not to long ago. I wouldn't have panicked as I did, or wasted time whining about my time missed, rather than being glad for the time I had.

Then there is the afterthought, which comes immediately after those previous thoughts. 6 months ago, I was not where I am today. Experience has led me to where I am, strengthened me and taught me valuable lessons. I can most definitely say I am at a higher maturity level that I was before. I think that had I not gone through those struggles of not too long ago, I would not be better prepared for the ones that are right around the corner. Every piece of jewelry has to go through the fire and cutting process in order to come out the beautiful gem it is. The important thing to remember is that I am still alive and kickin'. I survived and have recovered. I have become more mature in this time.

A moment ago, I may not have been able to choose the answers to any of the above questions; I might not even be ready now, but I know for sure that I am stepping forward in my maturity. Though they are pressing questions, the questions are not really as pressing as my mind makes them. I still have time, though the time may be down to only a few months or days, it is time nonetheless. When the time comes to decide, honestly (and oddly) I hope that I will have gone through enough that my immature self will have grown into someone that can make the decision with confidence and maturity. I also pray that no matter what comes my way, I will have the courage and strength to go through it knowing that I will be coming out the other side a better man. A more mature man than before who is better prepared for the tough decisions in life.

Identity Crisis

Its amazing sometimes how around the time that we begin to make good headway into discovering who we are, we are attacked exactly at the point that we just learned about ourselves! I remember when I learned that I am persistent person. It seemed like everything that happened over the next few weeks, seemed to try my persistence. It was as if now that I knew a piece of me had the persistent trait, life seemed to be testing my persistence, commitment, and consistency. And even after that, there were struggles that were making me think that perhaps the persistence that I now thought I had, was merely stubbornness that I was making myself believe was good. Then there were the trials that made me think about how persistent I should be; would I go on forever when my persistence was being stretched beyond what it should be (and perhaps then becoming stubbornness) or would I learn the time to be persistent and the time to throw in the towel. In every way, my new found idea that I am a persistent person was being weighed, and measured.

Interestingly enough, Jesus went through this same type of trial during his time on Earth. At the end of Matthew 3, Jesus is getting baptized by John the Baptist and at the very end of the that God opens up the sky and in an audible voice says, "This is my son, in who I am well pleased." The next verse, which is the beginning of chapter 4 says that immediately after the baptism, Jesus was sent to be tried by the devil in the wilderness. As he is being tested, the devil TWICE begins his testing with "If you are really the son of God then..." He attacked him directly where Jesus had quite literally just been told who he was. Jesus' identity was being tried at the heart of who he learned he was. Just like I was.

Fortunately, Jesus was able to overcome the trials that were against him, giving us hope and the blueprint of what to do when our identity had become under attack. Its knowledge in the Lord that enables us to overcome what adversities may attack us. In the end, its him that knows us the best .

Uncertainty

Something to think about with the new year upon us...

Yesterday night I walked to my garage, which is behind my house and disconnected, and I put in my washer a load of laundry, and began to walk back to my house when a thought occurred to me. I used to be terrified of what was behind my house at night. I live in the country and when the sun went down, it got dark quick (obviously) unless there was a moonlit night. Between the back of my house and the inside of the garage there was no lights. And when I was young, that was the scariest 50 feet in the whole town. But now, I had walked to the garage and back, without even thinking about all the noises of the night or how dark it was. My young apprehensive self would have ran quickly to the inside of the garage to turn off the light and on the way back, planned my escape to the inside of the house from the inside of my garage within the safety of the light. Now I'm confident in my trip to and from the garage and I almost find the darkness and noises peaceful.

I think that our fears seem so big to us when were at a certain age, but I think that often all the fear we have sprouts from uncertainty. When were young, were afraid of the dark because we don't know what's out there. We're afraid to move on from high school, or from college because we don't know if we'll turn out right, or if we'll have a job when were done. When were in a relationship, we don't know how to tell the other person that we think they're the one, or 'i love you' because we don't know how to react. Or when we just left a relationship, we don't want to get in another one because we don't know if we'll get hurt again, if someone will truly love you for who you are, or if we'll ever find true happiness. Later we get concerned about if our child or children will turn out alright, because we don't know if they'll get ill, or if they'll be picked on in school or if they'll succeed in life. It is uncertainty that brings us our fear.

I heard a preacher once say that you can be completely afraid of something and still go through it. That is what courage is. Admitting you have fear of what may happen, but taking the initiative to not let that stop you from living your life. In a couple years or a few months or even a week or two, you'll look back at what you were afraid then and see that it really wasn't anything to be afraid of at all, and that where you are now, is better off because you went through it setting your fear aside. A leap of faith isn't a leap without fear, its a leap of letting go, and believing something will catch you. And if you fall, it simply wasn't meant to be; you know that what you did wasn't the right path, and you're even closer to what is for you. It is a success in my book! And even a greater success when you get back up and try something else. Don't let uncertainty stop you from going where you should be going.