Protect Your Heart

There are days, where no matter how hard you try, sometimes you just can see the big picture. And what you see now, just isn't right; because what you see is discomfort and uneasiness. It seems like nothing is going your way in your life, and you can't find a break in the string of defeats. You're stuck in this rut and you can't get out, because the walls are so high around you, you're left without hope. You're heart becomes broken from the continual crushing that life seems to be blowing your way. Its become your mindset that you won't ever move from this position because it continues to keep you helpless on the ground. Its seems like it will not stop, while days turn into weeks, weeks to months and then its years of what seems like bad luck. It's not fair. Its undeserved, but its happening. And the worst part, is that your heart begins to believe that there is no hope.
If you're like me, you begin to try to get yourself out of this. You change your diet, maybe the healthy lifestyle will inspire good things to happen; you change your outlook on life, because there is always someone in the world who is doing worse than you are or ever will be. You change your friends, because you're not the only one that goes through thing like this. You change your relationship with God, most times you start stepping back because you think He isn't doing something right. You change anything that you think that will help, but nothing seems to work, and your hopeless heart, has convinced your mind that there is nothing you can do.
I came to this point in my life recently, and I did pretty much everything that I listed above, minus a few, plus others. Finally, I went to a place that I should have gone to in the first place. I went to my Bible. I partially placed the blame on God for my position, so I took a step back thinking I could take a break and see what God would turn around for me. Honestly, there wasn't much of a difference. So I changed my ways again, and went deeper into God's Word. The funny thing is that in my first day in my readings, I found NOTHING. Nothing that was beneficial to my situation for that day. I am not sure how everyone else always finds their answers every time they open the Bible for the first time. I didn't allow that to stop me the next day when I went to read my Bible again. And in Day 2, I found the same answer as the day before, another dose of nothing. This medicine wasn't working.
It wasn't till my 4th day diving into the Word that I found something that was really helpful, and encouraging to my heart. This reminds me of a story in Elijah's life in 1 Kings, where God deliberately told Elijah to go somewhere so He could speak to him. When he got there, Elijah was greeted by a fierce wind, an earthquake and a fire, none of which were God speaking to him. But when he waited a little bit longer, God showed up and told Elijah what needed to be done.
Like Elijah I waited and the Lord showed up, finally. What I found on that fourth day was a gem of wisdom in Proverbs. Pro. 4.23 "Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it." (GWT) I've come to the conclusion that the majority of what I've recently gone through is not really the fault of anyone else but me. Sure they have been the causation of all that happened, but for this struggle to continue in my life this long, can only be my fault. I let it attack my source of life, my heart. My heart believed there was no hope, and I acted upon it.
Yes I have reasons to be angry and disappointed, I didn't get the promotion I deserved, I am not living in the apartment complex that I wanted to be in, I don't have my closest friends directly by my side, I wasn't chosen for a leadership position, a relationship that I thought would be for the rest of my life failed, I'm stuck geographically because I do not have a vehicle the works, I was working under a boss that wasn't so ideal, I had an injury that even after hiking 8 miles up a mountain kept me from attempting the last quarter mile and reaching the peak.
Those are major disappointments that happened, but life isn't all disappointing. I still have a job in a poor economy, I'm living in an apartment that in many ways is better than what I originally wanted, though my closest friends aren't here, I have new friends that are deeming themselves as worthy people to be around and share life with, I've been given free time to work and better myself and figure out who I am, I received the opportunity to learn what I truly want/need/like in a mate, I've been giving the ability to make sure I am fully recovered and the chance to restore myself and train so when I attempt the previous hike, I wont be stopped.
My heart is seeing that life isn't so hopeless. It didn't take me one day to get to the hopeless funk I was in, and I'm sure it won't take one day to get out. But now that I know what I am up against, I know that I will be able to more properly protect my heart, my source of life, from the struggles of life. I will focus on the opportunity gained, rather than the one that is lost. Our decision for our outlook on life is much like any coin we have in our pockets. Each coin has two sides, Heads and Tails. We have the ability to turn the head so its face down, walk around with our hands in our pockets, waiting for the next event that we claim to be a victim of; or we can keep our heads up, protect our hearts and view life as a giver of unexpected opportunities.
Please, protect your heart.

Alternate Reality

The other day a friend told me some information that could have really altered the past year of my life had I known the information before. I thought about what would have happened had I known this information. I would not have made certain decisions, and life would be really different today. I have no idea what would actually happen, but I know that what did happen wouldn't have. I know I am being vague, but that is because almost everyone has moments where they can relate to his. You find yourself wondering what would have happened if you would have said Yes, rather than No. Or even the opposite; No rather than Yes. Or maybe in the moment, if you would have waited just a little bit longer, and held out to see what would have happened. These "What-If" scenarios come into play. We create a world in our minds about what would have happened, or more like what we would have wanted to happen, and leave the world of reality.
These scenarios give me a hollow feeling inside my heart. I think that if even if I had the chance to go back and redo my choices, I still would have entered a whole of pain, heartbreak and valleys. Often times I think that we make ourselves believe that if we could change the past we could have avoided all the suffering that we went through. But its not true. The real reason we escape our alternate reality is because we want to escape the pain of reality, of mistakes we made, of words said that we now wish we could take back. Our alternate reality is really just a "perfect" world, that exist only in our dreaming, for better or for worse.

Failure

Some people do not fair well with failure. They do everything they can to stay away from it as if it is the flue that they can easily catch. Others find failure to be the bottom to the barrel, and that there is nothing worse that can happen after failure.

Then some people see failure as an opportunity, a time where they can learn from whatever mistake they made that led them there. They see failure as the necessary step that brings them closer to their goal. Others see failure as the turning point, the 211th degree that like water needs to be reached in order to start boiling at 212 degrees.

One failure that I keep in mind is not a failure of my own, but the failure of another. He was my leader, but unfortunately his goal to bring a group of guys together didn't work out the way he wanted it to. I was one of the guys he tried unifying. I will say that he had a difficult task in his hands, and it was not the commitment of his that led to his defeat, but the lack of commitment in we young, immature boys that allowed it to slip through our hands. I keep this in mind because I admire my friend's failure. I aspire to be him, truly! Not to fail like him, but to be like him. Even in failure, he never gave up; he continued toward his goal even when it was clear that everything was galling apart. He was consistent, persistent, and never gave up. He was at a level of devotion that is rarely seen in people. That kind of devotion is what I want, desire for my personal commitments. And even though he failed, and no longer leads us, he stayed true till the end, as a captain of a ship till the boat sank, but without the stupidity.

Failure is not always bad, but can be useful and in some ways inspiring. Perhaps its not the act of failure that can break a person, but the way it happens that can create something good or something less fortunate.

When Everybody is Mad at Everybody

In my current living situation I am in a position that I am fairly unfamiliar with. I moved into my apartment with three other guys way at the end of Sept. It is presently March and is by two or three months, the longest I have lived in one place consecutively since moving out of my parents house. I have moved around quite a bit due to work positions and where I was doing my schooling. Being able to live with this group of guys for this long has been an enjoyable experience. But even in joy the are difficulties.

Recently, there have been so many disappointments, misunderstandings and lacking of commitment that it is becoming difficult to want to be in the house I live in. There are issues with everyone; the one who does the least chores complains the most, the smallest one is picked on by the bigger ones, the easy-going one losses care for anything that is happening in the apartment. I find this dynamic that is happening similar to a family. Many times siblings get after each other when they don't do their chores, simply because they don't want anyone else to notices that they aren't doing there's. The older sibling picks on the little one for no reason, but because they know that they have the advantage if things become hostile. The sibling (often the middle child) that gets along with everybody loses care for the others because there is drama they do not want to get into.

Families are usually easier to apologize to and make up with after making mistakes. But when it comes to disturbances between non-related persons living together, it no longer simple. Insecurities get in the way, different foundations make resolving uneven, and even emotions mixed with sub conscience thoughts about he other person get in the way and make issues hard to get over. Like a large pile of clothes dumped onto a bed, its a messy chore that doesn't take great effort to complete but we stop ourselves from resolving it.

In a way, this makes me miss my family and appreciate them more. Because even when everybody is mad at everybody, things eventually work themselves out. With people that are in some ways strangers, the same cannot be always said.