Immaturity

There are days when I look back at my life and see how immature I was in certain stages of my life. Then there are days when I look at myself in the moment and see how immature I still am. Others would agree with me when I say that I am definitely mature for my age, but when I look at the decisions I've made in key situations in my life I see that I fell very short of my ideal maturity level. Then I wonder, if I'm someone who is ahead of the maturity curve, what does that mean of everyone else who may be behind it?

Having recently had my birthday, I am currently 21, I am a junior at my university, preparing myself for what I'll be doing for the rest of my life, and looking for who the person who I'll be spending the rest of my life with. These commitments are fairly large and something that should be looked at for a solid amount of time. When I break down my age, I've been out of my house living in an apartment near my school for around 3 years, and the other 18 I've been living under the care of my family. Yet somehow there is the expectation that within 4 or 5 years of college I am supposed to know A) what I want to do for the rest of my life, B) who I want to be with for the rest of my life (including preparation for a family) C) where I want to live for the next substantial part of my life! Those are some intense items on the list. Am I ready for this? Am I mature enough to actually make a valid and correct choice?

At this point in my life, should God allow me to live a full length of days to 120 years, I would have lived one-sixth of my entire life. Yet, somehow I'm supposed to let this fraction of my life dictate what I'll be doing for over half of my life. This is something which I do not understand. This is also the reason why I believe most people do not put to use the degree they earn from their Undergrad studies, why marriages between people in their upper 20s and lower 30s are more successful that marriages between people in their lower to mid-20s, and finally why some people have a "mid-life crisis," because they chose to follow a path that they no longer believe in. They were so young, dumb and immature when they choose the steps they would be taking.

When I think about it, I don't think I'm qualified to make any of these decisions that I am supposed to be making now. I haven't experienced life enough to learn what makes me the most happy and fulfilled, I haven't learned who would be best as a companion for me or what I truly want to do for the rest of my work life. My maturity level, despite being decently high enough, I believe may be too low for something as large and important as what I am deciding. If I wasn't immature, I wouldn't have crumbled to pieces when the greatest pressure I've experienced came towards me not to long ago. I wouldn't have panicked as I did, or wasted time whining about my time missed, rather than being glad for the time I had.

Then there is the afterthought, which comes immediately after those previous thoughts. 6 months ago, I was not where I am today. Experience has led me to where I am, strengthened me and taught me valuable lessons. I can most definitely say I am at a higher maturity level that I was before. I think that had I not gone through those struggles of not too long ago, I would not be better prepared for the ones that are right around the corner. Every piece of jewelry has to go through the fire and cutting process in order to come out the beautiful gem it is. The important thing to remember is that I am still alive and kickin'. I survived and have recovered. I have become more mature in this time.

A moment ago, I may not have been able to choose the answers to any of the above questions; I might not even be ready now, but I know for sure that I am stepping forward in my maturity. Though they are pressing questions, the questions are not really as pressing as my mind makes them. I still have time, though the time may be down to only a few months or days, it is time nonetheless. When the time comes to decide, honestly (and oddly) I hope that I will have gone through enough that my immature self will have grown into someone that can make the decision with confidence and maturity. I also pray that no matter what comes my way, I will have the courage and strength to go through it knowing that I will be coming out the other side a better man. A more mature man than before who is better prepared for the tough decisions in life.